Grumpy Old Nerds

The VGAs were coming, and we here at Grumpy Old Nerds felt like we should be there...and then we realized the cost of travel, lodging, and actually getting in was a little too steep. So instead, we had our own Coolstorm and Numbspoon put on their finest tuxedo t-shirts and watch the event from their homes! So without any further adieu....

Numbspoon: Well, the Spike TV Video Game Awards were held on Saturday the 10th of December, and Coolstorm and I caught the whole thing.

Coolstorm: Unfortunately, usually with each year of the VGAs, only the first 15 minutes are worth watching to catch the really good trailers and then avoid the rest of the abomination, but sadly this year I was like a deer staring into headlights of an oncoming bus.

Numbspoon: There was no turning away, and for me it was a gross reminder that not only do the folks in charge of the event know NOTHING about the people in which the show is meant to be geared towards, they also can’t tell a joke to save their lives.

Coolstorm: Indeed, year after year the show comes off as unrehearsed, being filled with washed up has-beens for actors that have reached their peak of success and are trying so desperately to climb up to any further success they can get their greasy paws on.

Numbspoon: Exactly. So what we are going to do is just go over most of the aspects of the show and examine where they went wrong, what they did right (HA!), and anything in between. The usual review format, really. You ready to do this Coolstorm?

Coolstorm: Ready, Numbspoon. It won’t be pretty, but the worst has already happened to me for the night. I am hoping the nausea will subside.

Numbspoon: Well, I think the best place to start would be with the host. On paper, Zachary Levi ticked all of the things that I would expect from a host of an event such as this. He is a star of a show that has a fairly significant cult following, he himself plays games, and he can be a bit of a smartass. Here’s the problem though….he was pretty damn awful. Though I still would have taken him over Neil Patrick Harris.

Coolstorm: That’s a pretty bold claim. I am unable to say anything about NPH’s performance because let’s face it I watched last year’s VGAs only long enough to see the debut trailer for Mass Effect 3 and then went about my business. However, I am sure NPH was a lot more charismatic in his performance than Zachary Levi. Levi bored me nearly to sleep. This host definitely pulled off being a smart-ass, I won’t deny that. His executions on his jokes were horrible though. You said he plays games, but with his performance, it almost seemed to me like he knew just the basics. Like he had a brief read through of Video Games for Dummies before he stepped on stage.

Numbspoon: I do agree there. It seemed as though, despite what we are lead to believe, he knew damn near nothing. Which leads me to another point…where was the actual gamer presence?

Coolstorm: It’s like this every single year. A bunch of celebrities that claim to be avid gamers and end up trying to toss out masturbation and dick jokes that stereotype the gamer nation. With these awards shows it seems to me to be less about the players and more about the marketing. This is just one big business ploy to try to get gamers to go out there and grab the games that have already been on the market for a few months now.

Numbspoon: We’ll get to the stereotyping bit in a moment, but I want to build off of what you are saying…I do agree, but it seemed to be even worse this year. I mean, look at those dipshits from that TV show Workaholics. Did you notice they said Albert Hitchcock? What the Hell? Was that supposed to be funny?

Coolstorm: Idiots, that is all I can say. I do give credit to one of the jokes on the show though. The “social gamers” sitting together around a table playing on their cell phones not even bothering to be social with each other was pretty good in my opinion. I believe that’s the only credit in entertaining me with humor that I will give them.

Numbspoon: I did have a mild chuckle, but to me, it was quite a dated remark. I would say that we are expecting an awful lot out of the presenters, but when there are people like Ice T and Kobe Bryant out there, you know….people that are bona fide celebrities that actually PLAY games that they could have tapped into….I don’t see much of an excuse here.

Coolstorm: What’s even more inexcusable in my opinion is the fact that they have someone with a huge amount of gaming knowledge in the beautiful Felicia Day, but what did they use her for? A wall clinging game, swinging a katana half an inch from the audience to slice fruit, a cupcake contest, and presenting one award. She was definitely the best actress on the show, but with her knowledge, they really need to have her host the show.

Numbspoon: AHA! Yes!! She would have been more effective as the host of the event rather than Levi. At least she was energetic and enthused about the product.

Coolstorm: It’s a shame that this show cannot be taken as seriously as any of the other shows out there.

Numbspoon: I think they are all equally dull. And the VGAs were, if I’m to be honest, trying to copy the MTV VMA bullshit nonsense that stopped being funny around 10 years ago.

Coolstorm: You do have a point, but I have seen some of the presenters at least show some enthusiasm when they announced a winner. With this show it was like “Your winner is….Uncharted 3…yay…” and the whole thing was done with tons of sarcasm. I was reminded of Ben Stein a LOT tonight.

Numbspoon: Well, I am not entirely convinced that anyone gives a damn about this award. Anyone that is actually worth mentioning, at least. If you are Activision and Blizzard I am sure you would rate the VGAs up there with the damn Oscars.

Coolstorm: Speaking of Activision, Modern Warfare 3 won the award for best shooter, the very shooter we gave a 3 out of 10. There were only two other contenders mind you, but paying attention to the live chat during the show, I noticed that the odds were highly stacked against CoD, with the majority of the chat stating that Battlefield 3 was the more superior of the two.

Numbspoon: Well, our score notwithstanding, I do agree that Battlefield seems to be the more popular, not to mention the fact that Gears of War 3 was also in the mix. Gears, in a lot of people’s minds, are a solid Game of the Year contender, after all.

Coolstorm: No doubt Gears of War 3 is good; though I have trouble classifying it as a shooter when you’re not in first person. In my opinion it should have been categorized in action/adventure, but yes it definitely should have been a contender for game of the year, but the winner of that was a game that we still don’t get why it is so popular. That’s right, claiming the game of the year is Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.

Numbspoon: The category was shooter, not First Person Shooter, so there is that loophole there. As for Skyrim….I really can’t explain it. You heard the ovation Arkham City got in comparison, or even Uncharted 3. And nothing against the series…I mean I have tried to like the Elderscrolls games…I just cannot for the life of me get into them. Dragon Age: Origins is far superior in my opinion.

Coolstorm: I agree with you there. Sure, there might be better ways of advancing your character in that game than in others and more to explore, but the way the characters interact just seem so dull. I will say this about this year. Not ALL of the awards went out to the undeserving. I was happy to see Uncharted 3 win a few as well as Portal 2 and even Mortal Kombat. What about you, Numbspoon?

Numbspoon: They were kind of no-brainers, though. I mean, did they deserve recognition? Absolutely. Does it matter considering the source? Not. So. Much. Let me put it this way. Them getting it right and recognizing those games for things that they obviously deserved to be recognized for is like rewarding a 40 year old for getting dressed on their own; a feat they have been performing since they were tiny.

Coolstorm: The awards almost seem like a simple pat on the back than anything else. I mean did you see how horrible that trophy looked? Who would be proud to show that off? Oh and what are your thoughts about the Legend of Zelda series winning the first ever hall of fame achievement?

Numbspoon: I just kind of shrugged that off to be honest. I get that Zelda is iconic. But there are other things out there that might have deserved the first spot more. How about Donkey Kong? Mario? Doom? Wolfenstein….I can keep going obviously. Hell, you could even make a case for Frogger. The thing that caught my attention though was Miyamoto trying to figure out what in the blue hell that trophy was. He seemed genuinely terrified of it.

Coolstorm: I would have been ashamed to have been there. If I were Miyamoto san I would have said “I have brought shame to my country for winning an award from this place” and tried to commit Seppuku with the end of the trophy.

Numbspoon: I think that might have made it worse. BUT aside from all of that rampant stupidity and utter shit that the VGAs had this year, there were also some things we liked. Granted, they were all trailers…but still. We liked them.

Coolstorm: Absolutely, and one of the things we liked was without a doubt something we were looking forward to the entire show: new clips for Mass Effect 3.

Numbspoon: It was great, but honestly I want the game to come out. Enough hype…give us the goods!

Coolstorm: Another item that caught our attention is the new game from Naughty Dog, creators of the Uncharted series. The title of their upcoming game is The Last of Us.

Numbspoon: Yeah I am still a little iffy on this one. Don’t get me wrong, I love Naughty Dog and I am glad to see them continue to get bigger and branch out into different titles. I hope they become even more successful than they are now. But I am not a big zombie guy. Never have been. So as great as this looks now, I am still kind of thinking….what else you got?

Coolstorm: Zombies? Genetic mutations? Aliens? Hard to say at this point what that was, but the antagonists in the trailer didn’t appear to be a typical zombie as far as facial features went. I believe though there are fans still wanting that serious zombie game, which Dead Island failed to deliver. If anyone can pull off the next survival horror game, I have high hopes that Naughty Dog will be able to do it. Now, let’s talk about those two game trailers that left us a little confused: the new one from Bioware, and the new Metal Gear game.

Numbspoon: I think it is great that Bioware is trying something new, especially the RTS…that is a genre that could use some life breathed into it. But why Generals? Does this mean they now are working on all future Command and Conquer properties, or is it just this one? It is really hard to say at this point. As for Metal Gear…this one probably is the most head scratching. This was originally going to be called Metal Gear Solid: Rising, and we’d been hearing about it for a few years before all fell silent. So now we learn that it is being picked up by Platinum Games and is going to be redone, complete with a weird as hell name to boot. Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance? The hell you say??

Coolstorm: The theme of the game from the trailer seems a bit redundant doesn it? Revenge with a Vengeance! Is this one of those rough translations that just went somewhere horrible? I'm really concerned for this game as Raiden is the main character again, which last time that happened with Metal Gear Solid 2, I disliked it. Metal Gear should just belong to Solid Snake. The gameplay also concerns me, as it seems to be loaded with gore and focuses more on swordplay than the covert stuff that the Metal Gear series is known for. It almost looked like the game was copying the Wii classic (do they have those?) No More Heroes.

Numbspoon: Hard to say with anything coming out of Japan. Nine times out of ten, the whole thing will wind up confusing the hell out of you. ESPECIALLY if it has a Kojima stamp on it.

Coolstorm: Yes Kojima does tend to have the ability to be artsy to the point of you just mouthing "What the hell?" by the time you either get mid-way or to the end of the playthrough of most of his work. As much as we've talked about some great trailers, there were a few that it definitely seemed like we didn't care about. One game though we appeared to have mixed reactions on, and that was The Amazing Spider-Man, I was impressed by the trailer, it seemed like they are trying to redeem themselves from Spider-Man: Edge of Time, which our own Mimic gave a rather low score to, but still pretty generous compared to other reviewers.

Numbspoon: Well, you are looking at it from a totally different perspective. I see it as not so much a redemption for that game at all. I see it as another game adaptation of a movie, far removed from the story of the Web of Time and Shattered Dimensions games.

Coolstorm: I gotcha. All the same though, I think it looks pretty awesome and hope it delivers. Any closing comments?

Numbspoon: About this awards show? Absolutely not. Matter of fact, I think we have given it far more attention than it deserves. I will say that we are putting together an end of year piece that will talk about a lot of the games that were honored in the VGAs, as well as each of us at Grumpy Old Nerds giving you our list of favorite games from 2011.

Coolstorm: You heard it from the boss man, thank you all for taking the time to read this. We definitely appreciate it. Also, Felicia Day if you are reading this…You know how to contact me, I look forward to seeing your e-mail. Yes? No? Come on we could get married, I’ll take your last name, we can have kids and name them after holidays. Things like Christmas Day, Columbus Day, and Turkey Day. Good, huh?

Numbspoon: …..Absolutely not.

Coolstorm: Eh, was worth a shot.

You can follow Numbspoon and Coolstorm on Twitter @Numbspoon and @cstormscreation respectively.